First phone call between VP Joe Biden and Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto after the Mexican President refused to meet him at a Washington D.C. area Chili’s for fajitas on one hour’s notice on a Tuesday in January 2013.
(Note: Biden thinks he’s on hold when the phone call starts.)
BIDEN: Hey Gunnar, so this guy doesn’t like Mexican jokes, right? I mentioned to him last time that I couldn’t find my phone because my assistant packs my bag like he’s a Mex-
EPN: Mr. Vice President? I can hear you, I’m on the line.
BIDEN: Oh, hey, so sorry about the fajitas the other night. I just wanted to get their happy hour prices. It’s fucking expensive at normal times.
EPN: Yeah, well I was here in Mexico City so I apologize for not being able to make it in time.
BIDEN: Can you come over tomorrow night? My wife, Dr. Jill Biden, said we had to go to some French joint and I got diarrhea from this 7-11 chili dog I ate on the way so I didn’t go to the French joint or to the Chili’s and I’m fucking pissed.
EPN: I’m sorry but maybe we can go to Chili’s when I make an official state visit in the Spring?
BIDEN: Maybe but Barry has a rule about not going to Chili’s with heads of state during official visits for some stupid reason. Also, my wife, Dr. Jill Biden, thinks she’s better than me and doesn’t like going to Chili’s.
EPN: I’m sorry about your wife-
BIDEN: Dr. Jill Biden. Yeah, she thinks she’s better than me cause she’s a fucking doctor well I’m fucking Vice President!
(Note: A loud fart sound emanates from the Vice President’s Phone)
BIDEN: I’m sorry, that was my chief of staff Gunnar. He farts a lot. Don’t you Gunnar.
(There’s a rustling sound as if someone is trying to grab the phone)
GUNNAR: That wasn’t me! I did not fart! I do not fart!
(More struggling for the phone. There are grunts and more farts.)
BIDEN: So Enricky, we gotta get you over for some Fajatas!
EPN: Well I’m sure if it’s important to you and if I mention something to the President he’ll—
BIDEN: Hey, I heard on the grapevine that you were YOUNG at HEART?
EPN: Uh, sure.
(Note: Young at Heart is a term Vice President Joe Biden uses to refer to wearing an adult diaper for sexual gratification)
BIDEN: I am really young at heart and have been since 1987. When my wife, Dr. Jill Biden, first saw my adult diaper full of greasy shit she screamed-
EPN: Wait, wait, wait, wait-
BIDEN: Wait, what? She screamed in ecstasy because she was also young at heart. When did you first show your wife that you were young at heart?
EPN: So Young at Heart means you wear an adult diaper for sex stuff?
BIDEN: Well, yeah, I thought you were into that?
EPN: My wife doesn’t know yet.
BIDEN: Oh, enray, enri - Henry, I’m so sorry.
(The Mexican President weeps over the phone)
BIDEN: Oh hold on Henry, I gotta go change my diapey before I meet with Bibi Netanyahu and I gotta bunch fruit flies up in this bitch.
(The Mexican Presidlent continues to weep as VP Biden hangs up)j
BIDEN: Gunnar, get me a fresh diapey!
Convo between VP Joe Biden and Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto.
BIDEN: Mr. President -
EPN: Mr. Vice President, as previously discussed in our recent meeti --
BIDEN: Look, Juan --
EPN: Sir, my name --
BIDEN: Barry wants me to talk trade with you, and I get it. No one loves trade more than thick-dick-Joe, but I've got a bone to pick --
EPN: Sir, my country's economy is currently --
BIDEN: 'Cause you're talking to the dude with the god damn fullest diapey this side of the Atlantic. I'm talking a pufferfish full of Uncle Joe's hot fudge. A fucking --
EPN: Mr. Vice President, Cartels have slaughtered last week alone over --
BIDEN: Now, you're Brazilian, so I figure you know a thing or two about butt stuff, so lemme lay it on you like this -
EPN: Sir --
BIDEN: How in the name grade A tang do you cool your boy hole when you got a steamy diapey like mine?
EPN: Mr. Vice President, the Cartels --
BIDEN: Now, I solicited the help of Dr. Jill Biden. That's my wife. And she's been soothing my hole the past week with this diapey cream for diapey infections, but here's the thing Alfonso -- I still got this dirty diapey. Full as a cumbruised ballsack. And I know a thing about cumbruised ballsacks. Before I wore these diapies I had cumbruises everyday on my sack. I would scrub my sack and get all that cumpaste off my sack. Those were the days I didn't wear a diapey, so my sack could wash easier. Now I wear a diapey and the poo from my dirty diapey wets and crusts my sack and now I've got quadruple the problem.
EPN: Sir --
BIDEN: Hold on -
Sound of screeching. Sound of liquid filling an enclosed space.
BIDEN: You hear that, Alfredo?
EPN: Mr. Vice President --
BIDEN: I'm overflowing, Alfredo! Now I'm not only dirty and full; I'm dirty and too full. This fucking diapey -- Mr. President!
EPN: Sir, we can resolve issues of trade and my assassination later.
BIDEN: Now, when you eat ass with a dirty diapey --